Ups and downs

Dieting and weightloss has been a constant battle.  Hearing ''WOW!  You look great!'' knowing that you've added a few pounds is an absolute killer.  These couple of months, I've seen the weight slowly creep up and feel my anxiety about it build up.  As of Monday, I'm back with HM (well, it's called differenlty now).  It's not that I haven't been accountable for what I eat.  I just know that I've indulged in a few things that I should not have and that my old habits are creeping back, slowly.  Even my hubby is on board with the next round of weighloss (as he's been creeping up too from the weight he's lost).  Regardless, we continue our exercise and eat well.  On too many occasions though, we've indulged.  THAT CHANGES (again) TODAY! 

There's no magic pill that will make the weight dissapear in one day.  Diet and exercise is my key.  (and smaller portions!). 

I WILL attain my goal weight.... I just know it!!!!  :)

Need Headspace?

Part of my growing process this year is meditation.  My friend Samara showed me this app when we were at Dreamcamp not long ago and asked me if I wanted to meditate with her.  I did, 3 times! (twice on our own and once, she did a guided meditation for our class). I was so lucky to spend those awesome moments with her; that she would share this gift of meditation with me.  I'm unsure if you have noticed, but Samara has, on more than one occasion, helped me become more assertive in life (with ''take your spot'' comment a year ago at Dreamcamp, with her comments of ''I wish you saw yourself as we do'' recenty at FACE and with helping me meditate (Dreamcamp and our trip to FACE).  She is a wonderful person and I owe her a debt of grattitude for helping me grow.  (love you loads, my friend!)

I am now on day 25 of meditation.  I find it difficult to still my mind but know that it will only get easier as I keep practicing.  My hunny has been telling me for years that I should learn how to meditate and Headspace has helped me do so.  I love the guided meditation.  I feel refreshed afterwards and ready to conquer the rest of my day.  It would be great if I could do this first thing in the morning but as I am up for my 4:30am workouts, I can't seem to find the time so,  I meditate in the evening, either outside before dinner, or inside, after dinner.  There are not enough hours in a day for me to do all the things I want to do!  LOL

I am hoping that this will calm my mind as I worry and think of everything and everyone, all. the. time.  Like seriously, all the time.  My hunny can hear me thinking at times, it's that loud.  He encourages me to take some time out from my busy brain.  I am so lucky to have him in my life and appreciate all that he does for me (not just the meditation but the encouragement he has given me with my weightloss journey, my frustrating ups and downs, my awesome and not so awesome workouts and above else, my passion for dance).  Headspace helps you realize what you have and to appreciate the moment.  I appreciate him.  He is my moment.  He is my everything and without him (my rock!) I don't know what I would have done this past difficult year and a half. 

I've also noticed that now that I meditate inside, my orange furball of love joins me.  Perhaps she senses the calmness and stillness in me, or maybe she's just hoping that once I'm done, I'll give her tons of snuggles....

''Mummy, I love it when you meditate indoors.... I get to be with you!''

Got F.A.C.E.?

I met Basimah at Dreamcamp and was blown away at her energy, her love of dance and her loving personality.  This put me at ease when I went on an amazing journey with her and my bellydance sisters a few weekends ago.  We cried, shared our rawness within our group and all overcame some fears.  My biggest fear (and not my only one) was to improvise as I've never done that before.  I had chosen my song and toyed with what I was going to do but the morning of the day that we were to improvise on our songs, she announced that she had chosen a song for all of us.  ALL. OF. US..... I panicked.  Improvising to a song you know is great.  Improvising to a song you have no clue where the cues are and when it will stop (I thought it would never stop while I was dancing!  LOL!), that's a different story.  She told me I was last.  I enjoyed a portion of the show before I started to worry about going next.... before I could even do that, she called my name.  WHAT?!  ''I thought I was last?!'' I said.  She smiled and winked at me.  She knew what my reaction was going to be.  Why?  Because she's awesome.   I went to the bar, my heart was racing.  I thought I was going to pass out.... I stopped, took a deep breath and listened for my queue.  I hear it and away I went!  My palms are STILL sweating, thinking about it.  It was a blur!  3:34 felt like 10 minutes.  I thought it would never end.  Once it was done, I was so relieved.  I cried.  I was soaked from nervous sweat (ew...LOL), my poor heart was racing.  I was relieved, excited and amazed at what I had just done.  I did my first improvisation. 



I'm unsure if it's viewable or not, but here's the link:  http://youtu.be/EdjLUPFSrtY .  Please remember that I had NO CLUE what the song was and where the cues were.  We are all to learn our song and perform it again next year.  I am so excited! 


My good friend Samara (using her stage name as we all know I don't use folks' real names on my blog) cried as she gave me her critique and what she liked about my performance.  She said these words that struck me: "I wish you saw yourself as we see you..."  such powerful words.  (and yes, I was crying when she told me this, as I am now, remembering the impact that those words had and have on me.)  This is something I will definitely work on this next year.



Basimah came to see me after my dance and sat with me.  She gave me homework.  She got me to write down: 


I can.  I will.
I am good enough.
They do want me.
I have IT!


A tall order, but this is something I will also work on this year.  I'm hoping to knock her socks off at the next Got F.A.C.E!  ;)

Dreamcamp 2014!

I spent a whole week with Aziza again, and all my old and new bellydance sisters.  What an incredible week.  I even managed to make Aziza cry a few times.  ;)  (tears of joy!)

In one year, I have grown. I've learnt to ''take my place'' as my dear friend told me last year at camp.  I was able to get passed my fear of not being good enough (still learning), to stop comparing myself to others, to not hide in the back and to even let loose and show my belly!  BIG accomplishments for me this year.  I still have my fears but I am working through them.  This past year has definitely been a year of growth and am not going to stop there.  There's lots more growing for me to do and many more self inflicting obstacles for me to surpass. 

Last year, I wore this beautiful orange bellydance dress:

This year, I wore my sha'abi dress:

I danced to a bellydance routine that I learnt a few months ago in Oakville. (Thank you Joharah!) and Aziza loved it so much, she asked me to dance it again!  (I was in shock! LOL!)

Am looking forward to going again next year.  Perhaps I'll even test those yurts out that they have on site.  That would be fun! 

battling the weight

There are days that are hard and days that are impossible.  Of late, the impossible days outnumber the hard days. So many temptations of late and willpower has failed.  I'm up 6lbs in many weeks and I feel like I've failed.  Hubby says not to look at the scale and go by how I feel in my clothes.... News flash, I feel fat.  LOL!

Battling the weight is not an easy job.  I have to learn to eat smaller portions and eat more often.  Something that I've never really grasped and still have a hard time understanding.  I think my body is going into starvation mode right now, as I'm upping my workouts... I'll concentrate on this aspect of healthier eating in a few weeks, when I'm back from my bellydance camp (super excited!).  I also have to hide that stupid scale that mocks me every day.  *sigh*

I'll get through this, I know it.  I am STILL down 4 dress sizes and am SUPER proud of how much I've lost.  Minor psychological setback but I'll get through!!!!

stepping out of my comfort zone

So part of my journey is to not only change my physical self but to also change my inner self.  To grow as a dancer, I have decided to step out of my comfort zone and teach bellydancing classes at lunchtime, at work, for free.  I've been doing this for a month now and I have a following; some regulars and some not so regulars.  I have chosen some great tunes and simple, basic moves.  The ladies have a blast and so do I!  They've come to like the shimmy drill for 2:42 seconds.  (they smile through their grunts! LOL)  They're starting to know what moves go with what song and I love it!  Makes me sweat, makes me move and makes me perfect the basic core moves.  I'm even considering making more flyers for the other divisions on my floor (I post them at the photocopiers!).  As the weeks progress, I'll switch it up and get new tunes.  :)  Yalla ladies, yalla! 

We are all beautiful

Something has been on my mind a lot and keeps frustrating me every time I think about it.  A few months ago, I stopped HM’s supplements and continued my healthier lifestyle on my own.  As I was paid up until end of June, I went back after a month to get weighed in.  The HM’s representative’s attitude really bothered me and obviously still does to this date.  Before weighing me, she commented that by me not taking the supplements, i’d get fat and expressed absolute shock when I got on the scale and had lost 5lbs.  It made me feel like I HAD to take the supplements in order to succeed and that there was absolutely NO WAY that I could do this on my own.   These comments negated the fact that I had worked so hard to get to where I am today and made me feel bad.   I was too shocked at both comments (the ‘’watch out or you’ll get fat again’’ and the absolute shock of me losing weight on my own).   I understand that I’ve built a rapport with her but it was immature of her to talk to me that way.  A small victory for me for the look on her face when she saw how much I had lost, but still.... 

2 weeks ago, I went again, this time with another HM representative, and had another comment that threw me for a loop.  We were looking at my pics of when I started my journey with them.   Yes, I was 60lbs heavier.  I know that, but I was still beautiful, in my eyes.  I told her this.  Her comment was that it was a self defence mechanism.  Um, what?  I don’t get it.  I think, regardless of your size, you are beautiful.  WE ARE ALL CREATED BEAUTIFULLY!  I wasn’t losing weight because I wanted society to look at me to find me prettier, I was losing weight for me, for my health. 

It’s little comments like this that puts me off.  I skipped last week because of this.  I see her car there and keep driving.  No thanks, will try and go another time when someone else is there. 

I am still losing weight, without the supplements but am eating healthier and keeping fit.  In a way, I am looking forward to not having to go in to get weighed but a part of me feels that they’ve taught me well as I am embracing the new me and my new lifestyle!